Friday, December 14, 2012

Craftitis

Craftitis is a malady that makes it hard to:
  • separate beer quality from corporate structure
  • appreciate the qualities of things not meeting the patient's definition of real beer
  • believe that large corporations are not actually malevolent forces focused on global domination
  • consider the possibility that fewer hops is sometimes better
  • understand that the only test of 'good beer' is how it tastes

Causes, incidence and risk factors

Craftitis is a complex malady. Experts are not sure what causes it. However, some experts believe genes may play a role.

Craftitis is extremely contagious, patients often have friends and family who are likewise afflicted.

Craftitis affects both men and women, usually beginning in the mid 20s. Women as a rule are less likely to be affected by Craftitis.

Symptoms

Craftitis symptoms usually develop slowly over a long period of time, usually months or even years. The number of symptoms varies from patient to patient.

People with Craftitis can show many of the symptoms listed below, or only a few symptoms.

Early symptoms:
  • Heightened sense of taste
  • Enthusiasm for new beer
  • Sudden interest in photography and note taking

As the illness progresses, patients often begin a course of self-medication, which involves the procuring and use of 'craft beer' in a domestic setting. Self-medication of Craftitis also involves excessive reading and interest in agriculture, botany and biochemisty.

In the latter stages of Craftitis, the patient may have problems with thinking, emotions and behaviour, including:
  • a near paranoid belief that large brewing corporations are intent on harming the patient, or their loved ones - usually 'loved ones' is interpreted as 'small and independent'
  • a loss of sense of humour and the inability to appreciate irony
  • an inability to accept that corporate structure has no bearing on the taste of a beer
  • describing a new beer experience as 'awesome' or 'out of this world' (see delusions for more details)
  • patient may be prone to crying after several drinks (a symptom shared with the disease Craftyitis)
  • Tourette's like exclamations in public settings about the perceived qualities, or otherwise, of a beer currently being drunk
  • the ability to taste passion (some experts believe this to be a misinterpretation of Diacetyl)
Signs and Tests

There is no medical test to diagnose Craftitis, diagnosis is achieved by interviewing the patient, as well as the patient's friends and family.

Treatment

During an episode of Craftitis the patient should stay in the pub for safety reasons.

MEDICATIONS

There is no known medication for Craftitis.

SUPPORT PROGRAMS

Craftitis patients are encouraged to engage in social situations, preferably in establishments such as Public Houses, with patients of the related malady Craftyitis. Note though that some experts believe Craftyitis to be a purely psychosomatic imitation of Craftitis, as such, patients showing symptoms of Craftyitis might have Craftitis without realising it.

Expectations (Prognosis)

The outlook for Craftitis is hard predict. Many patients seem to find relief from their symptoms simply by getting older.

Craftitis patients often lead normal lives in terms of work, housing and other social actitivies, though experience Craftitis episodes when in a 'Craft Beer Bar' or similar location.

Complications

Having Craftitis increases the patient's risk for:
  • Poverty - spending excessive amounts of money on limited releases of beers, trips to beer festivals, once in a lifetime six packs with promotional glassware
Prevention

There is no known way to prevent Craftitis.

Always talk to your barman first if you are considering trying a new beer style or brand - this also unwittingly opens the door to Craftyitis.

References

Craft is Daft, Dr Velky Al, Fuggled Publishing, February 2011

4 comments:

  1. I think I've suffered a mild case of that decease. It's nice to live in a place with tanková Pilsner Urquell. Can't imagine a better cure than that!

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  2. Came upon this on FB and was pleasantly surprised when I saw your name as author! Nice work, Doctor! We all need to be reminded from time to time that it is only beer!

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  3. Blind taste tests are perhaps not cures for Craftitus, but they can certainly put someone in their place.

    ReplyDelete